ask the expert

the tween & teen years

Quick Links:

Q: My daughter sustained her second concussion during soccer and I want her to stop playing soccer all together because I’m worried about re-injury. Is retiring her from sports the right decision?

Q: It can be hard for pre-teens and teens to know when a dating relationship is unhealthy. What are the main signs of relationship abuse – and how can parents spot it long before the victim can? What are the best things parents can do to prevent relationship violence in their teen?

Q: Now and then, my daughter can have a bit of an attitude, accompanied by shrugs, rolling eyes and bored looks. What is the best way to connect and communicate through these challenges?

Q: This summer my tween will be too old for daycare and too young for a job. What are some ways to keep her busy during the summer?

Q: Our pediatrician checked our teenager’s cholesterol and it came back high. What should we do?

Q: My 13-year-old has no interest in physical activity. Through the years, she’s tried karate, soccer and ballet. But now, she isn’t interested, and we don’t want to shove activities or sports down her throat. Any suggestions to motivate her?

Q: How much privacy should parents give teenagers as it relates to their phone and computer?

Q: I’d love for our teen to get involved in some volunteer activities this summer. Any tips for encouraging and helping him find the right fit?

Q: With all the accidents due to distracted driving, I’m pretty concerned about my teen getting behind the wheel. Are there any anti-distraction measures that parents can employ to monitor a child’s driving activities? Or other solutions for helping teens become safer drivers?

Q: With marijuana becoming legalized, the conversation about the effects of marijuana on teens has gotten a lot more complicated. How do we talk to our teens about the effects of marijuana, in light of the changing laws and societal attitudes?

Q: It seems that in every school across the country, kids are being victimized by bullies. As parents of a preteen, we feel at a loss for how to prevent it from happening. What are some ways to help empower our child to respond and stand up to bullies?

Q: My two teenage kids are masters at all things electronics, but sometimes it’s nice to be able to switch off the devices and get connected as a family – like having an old-fashioned family game night. Any suggestions for some board games that would keep teens entertained – and maybe even teach them some important skills?

Q: My 9th grader, who is very bright and articulate, is totally unmotivated in school, and his report card grades definitely reflect his lack of effort. Any suggestions on how we can help teach him to raise his grades?

Q: When I ask my teenage kid why he’s so stressed out, he gives me a long list of offenders (homework, tests, friends, the way he looks, girlfriends, no free time, etc.). Any tips on how I can help my overwhelmed teen cope with stress?

Q: I’ve noticed lately that my 16-year-old daughter is fixated on weight, and I’m worried. She sees herself as fat when she’s not – and seems to measure her self-worth by her weight. So what’s the difference between normal behavior and behavior that might indicate an eating disorder?

Q: My teenage son, a first-time job hunter, says he keeps applying for jobs, but he never hears back from anybody. How can he get an employer to take notice?

Q: My 15-year-old says he wants to start drinking coffee to help increase his alertness in school and enhance his athletic performance. Should I be concerned about coffee consumption at his age?

Q: My son tells me that vaping is the new, popular thing with teenagers and that it’s a safe alternative to smoking. What do I need to know?

Q: I want to motivate my 14-year-old to start exercising, but I’m having a hard time. He claims to hate working out. How can I get him away from the screens and, even more than that, enjoy being physically active?

Q: I don’t like to think about it, but I know the truth is that many teens try alcohol during their high school and college years, long before it’s legal for them to drink it. What can we parents do to help our teens make smart decisions and ‘just say no’ to using and abusing alcohol?

Q: How do I help my teenager stay safe online and act responsible on social networks?

Q: When my teenage daughter misbehaves, I can’t just put her in a time-out like I did when she was little. And if I yell “you’re grounded,” she just sits around stewing and probably isn’t learning the intended lesson. So what is the best approach to disciplining teens for bad behavior?

Q: Many teens get pimples that are handled with over-the-counter treatments. But what is the difference between mild teen acne and something more serious that would benefit from a dermatologist’s help?

Q: It’s hard to get more than two words out of my teen. Do you have any conversation strategies to help me communicate with my son?

What Inquiring Parents of Teens Want to Know

From pandemic concerns to wise decision-making, we turned to experts for answers to parents of teens’ most pressing questions.

Living in a Pandemic World

How do I support my teen who is anxious and worried that their senior year will be negatively impacted by the pandemic?

Reducing uncertainty is one of the most effective techniques we can use to manage anxiety. We can do this by asking questions and educating ourselves. For teens worried about how their senior year may be impacted by COVID-19:

  • Stay up to date on what is happening locally and with your school.
  • Educate yourself and use accurate, appropriate sources of information (school websites) in a balanced way.
  • Avoid spending large amounts of time on social media and other forms of media, which can exacerbate anxiety.
  • Avoid planning for the worst, which is just another way to focus on uncertainty.
  • Focus on what you know and what you can do.
  • Realize that no matter what happens, you will graduate and many people are working to adapt activities and schedules as necessary to keep everyone as safe and healthy as possible.

COVID-19 should not be allowed to define our teens' lives. Help your teen find balance and joy each day in their activities. Encourage them to get outside, connect with peers, stay busy with hobbies, find a new hobby or start a fun project. All of these kinds of activities will decrease anxiety and increase positive emotions.

— Stephen Lassen, Ph.D., pediatric psychologist

How do I get my teen to unplug from Zoom chats and other technology when it's the only way to socialize?

This is a great time to engage your teen in family social activities. You may choose how often family activities will occur and your teen can help decide the what and the when. Also consider creating realistic limits for live, interactive screen time such as Zoom chats to promote safe socializing. Giving your teen more freedom supervised in the home may prevent socializing in an unsafe manner.

Consider creating separate limits for other technology such as social media, video games, and television. Ask them how much time they want, compromise, and hold them accountable! Help your teen create a list of non-screen time activities to remind them of alternative ways to fill their time.

— Simone Moody, Ph.D., child & adolescent psychologist

Respecting Others


How can I make sure I'm teaching my sons to respect women and minorities?

The most important way to teach our children to respect women and minorities is through modeling this respect in our own words and behavior. This includes demonstrating respect consistently, but also includes labeling disrespect, prejudice, etc., when you and they observe it in others in daily life, in current events and in entertainment.

Biases are ingrained in our culture and therefore can be invisible unless specifically called out. Be aware and label your own bias as well. Are you more nervous if the person walking down the street behind you is an ethnic minority? Consider why this might be and work to challenge these reactions.

— Sara Gould, Ph.D., child & adolescent psychologist

Problem-Solving Techniques


How can I help my teen better manage stress?

Help your teen see how challenges can be opportunities for growth and personal enhancement, not simply something to endure or try to escape. Encourage flexible thinking by asking them to consider questions like: “What are some other reasons why this happened?” or “How can this benefit you?”

As teens begin to think more accurately and flexibly about situations they encounter, they will experience less stress. The situations don't change, but how they respond to them will help decrease the subjective experience of stress.

Physical activity, good nutrition and high-quality sleep are particularly important to help teens more effectively manage challenging situations. Other ideas to help your teen maintain good balance in their lives:

  • Stay connected to peers who are a positive influence.
  • Maintain a regular daily schedule.
  • Focus on accomplishing developmentally appropriate tasks such as getting a job and getting their driver's license.
  • Engage in proactive and healthy habits.
  • As a parent, role model healthy habits around how you manage stress.

Stress can be detrimental to our health at high and consistent levels, but it can also lead to strength and growth in our lives if we let it work for our benefit. An old English saying teaches "A smooth sea does not make a skilled mariner." Similarly, lives devoid of stress do not make strong, capable human beings.

— Stephen Lassen, Ph.D., pediatric psychologist


How do I create a safe space for my teen to express his or her feelings?

One of the best ways to help you connect with your teenager and make them feel safe and understood, is to carefully listen and validate their feelings when they talk to you. So often when teenagers come to us, we as parents are quick to offer advice and let them know the reasons why what they're thinking isn't right in some way. Validating your teen's feelings has nothing to do with whether their feelings are right or wrong or if you agree with them. It's just understanding and showing them, "okay, I get it."

By listening, validating and withholding advice unless requested, your teen will learn to trust their own feelings and emotions, which helps them learn to problem-solve and connect to that inner wisdom to make decisions.

— Julie Gettings MSW-LSCSW, professional therapist

The Developing Teen Brain


Why does my teen make unwise choices?

Teens often make unwise choices because of adolescent cognitive development. Teens' brains aren't done maturing yet. Independence is growing rapidly, but the brain's control centers are not yet fully online. Teens are often impulsive and short-term gain (or cost) is a greater influence than long-term gain (or cost). Decision-making skills and abstract thinking skills are still developing and are inconsistent and easily overridden by emotion. That's why parenting a teen is so tricky.

The goal is to allow as much independence as your teen has demonstrated they can manage responsibly and decrease independence if your teen's behavior shows they aren't quite ready. All teens develop differently so this may result in you setting different limits and expectations than your teen's friends have.

— Sara Gould, Ph.D., child & adolescent psychologist

My daughter sustained her second concussion during soccer and I want her to stop playing soccer all together because I’m worried about re-injury. Is retiring her from sports the right decision?


This is a great question, and unfortunately there is not an easy answer. Each individual and each concussion is different and needs careful management and individualized care.

Concussion symptoms typically resolve within a few days to a few weeks and it is important during this time to cease activities and eliminate anything that provokes the symptoms. Ceasing activity allows the brain to rest and heal. Currently studies indicate that if concussions are correctly treated there may be no long-term problems. Many young athletes can safely return to sports and activity once their brain has healed and their healthcare provider has medically cleared them to return. There is no definite number of concussions that require permanently ending sports participation, or require disqualification, as each case should be handled on an individual basis. When an individual has sustained multiple concussions, there are many factors we consider when making the decision to safely return individuals to their activity and/or sport.
Some of these factors include:

  • How many concussions has the individual had?
  • What was the time between each concussion? (same season, same year, etc.)
  • How long did the recovery take with each concussion? There is an increased concern if each concussion takes longer to recover.
  • What was the injury mechanism? Does it seem like concussions are occurring with less force type mechanisms, no head impact? Is it “easier” to get a concussion?
  • What is the risk of the activity? We know certain sports have a higher risk and incidence of concussions.
  • What is the level of play for sport and individual? Highly competitive and aggressive play may increase the risk.
  • Addressing and discussing the concerns of parents and athlete.

Athletes should be completely symptom free and able to participate fully in school and daily activities without accommodations or provoking a return of symptoms before considering returning to full unrestricted activity. Once the individual has been symptom free and able to participate fully in normal day-to-day activities for a minimum of 24 hours, and is cleared by their healthcare provider, the safest recommendations would be to complete a gradual return to activity protocol monitored by a healthcare provider.

Because each situation is different, and there are multiple factors to consider, I would recommend consulting with a healthcare provider who is appropriately trained in the management of concussions to discuss and provide guidance and care for when it is safe (best) for your child to return to activity.

As a parent it is understandable to want to do everything to protect your child. Many companies market products claiming to reduce concussions; it is important to note that currently there is no research supporting any commercial product that “prevents” or “reduces” concussions. It is very important to do your research and read with a critical eye.

Lynne Young M.Ed, LAT, ATC is the manager of athletic training at Orthopedic Physicians Alaska. Visit opalaska.com.

It can be hard for pre-teens and teens to know when a dating relationship is unhealthy. What are the main signs of relationship abuse – and how can parents spot it long before the victim can? What are the best things parents can do to prevent relationship violence in their teen?


It can be hard to identify dating abuse for both parents and teens. Pre-teens and teens are just learning about how to date and engage in romantic relationships. So, jealousy, drama and emotional highs and lows are normal aspects of these relationships. The challenge is to differentiate between these typical teen relationship characteristics and abuse.

There are some common warning signs or indicators that your pre-teen or teen may be in an unhealthy relationship. Since dating their partner, has your child drastically changed his or her style/appearance, friend group or personality? Has he, or she, suddenly stopped participating in activities they used to enjoy? Has your teen become more isolated from close friends and family while spending increasing amounts of time with their partner? The more times you answered ‘yes’ to these questions, the more the situation asks for a closer look at the health of the relationship. For more information about how to handle these discussions, there are resources like loveisrespect.org and thatsnotcool.com that provide tips for parents and caregivers.

In order to prevent relationship violence, the best thing a parent can do is to develop a relationship with the young people in their child’s life. This can be a challenge, especially as teens are at a developmental stage that includes pushing away from family and wanting to spend more time with friends. So, the opportunity to build relationship comes in small moments like engaging in conversation on the ride home from school, chatting during a family outing or talking about the health of relationships portrayed in a favorite TV show or movie. Think back to your life as a teenager and reflect on how your parent could have made it easier for you to talk to them about relationship issues as a starting point. You can also order a set of free Talk Now Talk Often cards for discussion ideas (tntoak.org).

Summer Chitwood, M.Ed., is the Prevention and Education Coordinator at Abused Women’s Aid in Crisis (AWAIC) in Anchorage. She has been providing teaching and training about healthy relationships for parents and teens for three years and has eight years of experience working in the field of domestic violence. Visit awaic.org.

Now and then, my daughter can have a bit of an attitude, accompanied by shrugs, rolling eyes and bored looks. What is the best way to connect and communicate through these challenges?


It is important to stay focused on the overall relationship with your child rather than occasional behaviors. If you stay connected through all of the stages of your child’s development you will enjoy a lifelong deep relationship, which is the ultimate goal of parenting.
Here are some suggestions for staying connected in the midst of “attitude.”

Be curious. As parents, we tend to assume that we know what our children are thinking and what their motivations are. The reality is that they are actually their own person with their own thoughts and feelings. Learn to ask open-ended questions that make it clear to your child that you are actually interested in what is going on with them. Rather than asking “Why are you rolling your eyes at me?” you might ask “What are your thoughts about what I just said?”

Try not to take your child’s negative signals personally. It is completely normal human development to push back against one’s parents and their way of thinking.

Know your own boundaries and make sure they make sense. You may be willing to ignore some eye rolling and bored looks but you may draw the line at shouting or door slamming. Know what works for you and your family’s values.

If you really need a change in the child’s behavior, collaborate with your child. Collaborating involves working together on a solution to a challenge. When you collaborate, you both get some of what you want. Collaboration is best done when tension and drama are low. Some of the best times to collaborate are on a walk, over ice cream or while driving in the car.

Rebecca Johnson, MD, ACC, is an ADHD and Executive Function Coach and the proud mother to two amazing ADHD adults. Her passion is supporting parents who are struggling to understand and parent their unique and complex children. Visit youvegotthiscoach.com.

This summer my tween will be too old for daycare and too young for a job. What are some ways to keep her busy during the summer?


Caught in between being a little kid and a teenager, the tween-age years are period of rapid growth of independence, socialization and physical transformation that can be exciting and tumultuous. Now more than ever before, your child needs your support to ensure she grows up safe and healthy. Unfortunately for many tweens, summer can be a period when unhealthy habits and antisocial behaviors can develop. Here are four low-to-no-cost ways to keep your tween engaged in a fun, healthy and safe summer.

Enroll your tween in a summer program: There are lots of summer programs that specialize in engaging tweens in adventures, learning and physical activity throughout Alaska. Summer learning programs help fight summer learning loss by engaging tweens in hands-on and minds-on activities and provide tweens with opportunities to be physically active, build skills, socialize, get involved in community service and grow academically. Check out your local newspaper, park and recreation center or public library for a listing of activities.

• Pro-parenting tip: Give your tween choice in what summer activities they enroll in, giving them the chance for autonomy. Remember, the choice is not whether or not they will participate in activities, but instead what they would like to participate in.

Ensure your tween keeps reading: Tweens are in a dramatic transformational stage when it comes to reading. It’s important to help keep them reading all summer long to prevent summer learning loss. Enroll your tween, and the whole family, in your local library’s Big Summer Read program. It’s free, easy to do and allows your teen to choose their own reading.

• Pro-parenting tip: Set up family reading times. They can happen at home, a library, at your neighborhood park, during fish camp or even become part of your family’s hiking or biking trips.

Limit your tween’s screen time: Excessive screen time can lead to increased anxiety and depression. Explain to them why it’s important to stay engaged and not just hang out online all day.

• Pro-parenting tips: Limit your screen time. Tweens are in a very impressionable phase; what they see is what they do. Most smart phones and tablets now can track your screen time each week. Create a competition to see who can have the lowest score in your family.

Keep your tweens moving: Enroll your tween in sports or recreation leagues, such as soccer, baseball, dance or kickball. Encourage them to get outside to walk, bike, swim or play with her friends each day. Keeping tweens physically active helps reduce their risk of developing a sedentary life style which can lead to long-term chronic health conditions, such as obesity
or diabetes.

• Pro-parenting tip: Get the whole family moving. The summer is great time to bond as a family through physical activities, whether it’s fishing, hiking, gardening or dancing.

Thomas Azzarella is the Director of the Alaska Afterschool Network, a program of the Alaska Children’s Trust. He has 20 years of summer camp experience. He’s passionate about getting kids, especially tweens, outdoors and exploring our beautiful state.

Our pediatrician checked our teenager’s cholesterol and it came back high. What should we do?

This is a great question. The first thing you should know is that you need to take action and follow up on these test results. High cholesterol, at any age, can increase a person’s risk for heart disease and stroke. As parents, we want to raise healthy kids, and not paying attention to this now can impact your child later in life.

This is also a timely question as new guidelines surrounding cholesterol have recently been released by the American Heart Association and the American College of Cardiology and parents should be aware about information regarding cholesterol and children.

First, the new guidelines recommend a more personalized approach to determining a treatment plan for patients – all patients, children and adults. But in terms of your child, this is why it’s important to schedule an appointment with your pediatrician to discuss your teenager’s cholesterol test results. Together, you will work on a plan to help manage their cholesterol numbers – a plan designed specifically for them. Possible treatment options could include a healthy eating plan, a plan to add physical activity, medication or a combined approach.

The good news is you know about this now and, as an active and concerned parent, you are able to help your child take steps to manage their cholesterol numbers today vs. waiting until it negatively impacts their heart health.

Parents should also be aware that if they have a family history of high cholesterol, the guidelines suggest that pediatricians should consider selected testing of children as young as 2 years of age. In children without any known risk factors, pediatricians may recommend tests between the ages of 9 and 11 and then again between 17 and 21.

For more information about cholesterol, visit heart.org/cholesterol.

Dr. Scott Wellmann is a Pediatric Cardiologist and Founder of the Alaska Children’s Heart Center. Dr. Wellmann serves on the board of the Alaska Division of the American Heart Association where he is a strong advocate for the health of all Alaskans, including our youngest patients
and next generation.

My 13-year-old has no interest in physical activity. Through the years, she’s tried karate, soccer and ballet. But now, she isn’t interested, and we don’t want to shove activities or sports down her throat. Any suggestions to motivate her?

Great question! This is a common concern of parents, especially when many kids this age would opt to stay glued to their phones/Xboxes/computers every waking hour if they could. It sounds like you have tried a variety of different team sports/activities and they are not your kid’s thing (which is okay!). There are a lot more options now than there were even when I was a kid. Have you tried non-conventional activities such as rock-climbing or aerial silks? Continue encouraging your child to try out new things and you might find something that clicks. That being said, I do agree that forcing your child into a sport will not be beneficial. You don’t want them to have negative associations with exercise; it should be a fun part of their everyday routine.

I would encourage you to make physical activity a regular part of your family time together. Do fun activities together and model what a healthy and active lifestyle looks like. Go on hikes, bike rides, x-country skiing, or swimming (to name a few options). I know this can be difficult, especially during the cold winter months, but it is possible. A family walk after dinner could be a great way to connect after a busy day and get some steps in (with weather appropriate clothing, of course). Additionally, you could even incorporate technology; have your child track their steps on a smart phone or FitBit type device and put rewards in place for meeting certain goals (10k steps a day would be a good starting goal). Make physical activity a part of the routine that your child will come to expect.

The bottom line is you want to make it fun and create positive associations with exercise to foster a lifetime of staying active. It’s never too late (or too soon) to start. In fact, this question has inspired me to get more active and set a better example for my infant and toddler daughters – thank you!

Annie Sartz M.Ed. was born and raised in Alaska and currently works as a School Counselor at North Pole Middle School in North Pole. She lives in Fairbanks with her husband and two young daughters.

How much privacy should parents give teenagers as it relates to their phone and computer?

As a parent of a new teenager, tech decisions and internet privacy issues are a regular topic of discussion in our home and within my parenting community. On one hand I believe it’s important for our teens to learn the world in which they are preparing to enter, and on the other hand there can be real danger lurking just behind that smart phone, tablet or computer screen. From the perspective of law enforcement, we sometimes see the worst-case scenario: a teen desperate for attention and given too much freedom and trust online who can easily be victimized by bullying or a predator making false promises. Experts on all sides of this issue seem to agree that limiting screen time is not only great for developing brains, sleep and awake patterns, as well as personal and mental health and safety. However, I realize, that’s often easier said than done!

In our house, we live by the following rules when it comes to tech:

1. Anything but A’s and B’s for grades equals no smart phone;

2. No tech in the bedrooms;

3. The wireless router is programmed to turn off the wireless to our kids’ access at set bedtime (there are lots of apps that can do this as well);

4. Children don't own devices, parents do, and they will be constantly monitored; and

5. Parents will answer ANY questions honestly about anything they see or do online. Our kids know that it's always ok to make mistakes and ask for forgiveness, we promise not to 'FREAK OUT'! Dishonesty will always result in worse consequences than honesty.

The best advice I can give to parents of teens, and in fact parents of kids at any age, is to maintain open lines of communication, set firm boundaries on your expectations and to monitor your children’s activities online as much as you can while still allowing them some freedom to explore and learn about the world safely. Finally, don’t be afraid to ask your friends and family for advice to help you to make the best-fit decisions for you and your individual family.

Angelina Fraize holds a Master’s Degree in Early Childhood Special Education and has been in law enforcement for 17 years. She currently serves as a Police Officer Instructor at the Anchorage Police Department Training Center. Her daughters are 13 and 9.

I’d love for our teen to get involved in some volunteer activities this summer. Any tips for encouraging and helping him find the right fit?

Summer or any time of the year is a great time to get involved in the community! I appreciate when a parent calls and inquires, but I really enjoy speaking directly to the youth about potential volunteer opportunities. First question I always ask is, “Where in the community would you like to make an impact?” Working with animals, the environment or seniors? There are so many different places to volunteer that the list needs to be narrowed down in some way. I also ask them to think about where their talents lie. Are they a good cook? Maybe they could help at a soup kitchen. Are they a talented soccer player? They could help coach a team. Do they enjoy meeting and talking with new people? Many organizations need help with advocacy and outreach. Working on something they already enjoy doing will make volunteering that much more fun.

These answers then help me to suggest agencies that I know fit that criteria. The next question I have is about scheduling and how they want to fit it into their busy schedules – between jobs, their friends, etc. That can be a tough question to answer because it shows them how limited their time might be, but it also helps match them with an agency that fits those time realities. It is so important that the youth and agency be a good match, as that helps set the stage for success for their volunteer life. Transportation also can be a barrier and if it is, then look for something to do that is close to home. Another way to get your teen involved in volunteering is to make it a family affair. Volunteering as a family is a great way to create some lasting memories and make a difference together.

Sue Brogan, CVA, is the Chief Operating Officer at United Way of Anchorage. Visit liveunitedanc.org.

With all the accidents due to distracted driving, I’m pretty concerned about my teen getting behind the wheel. Are there any anti-distraction measures that parents can employ to monitor a child’s driving activities? Or other solutions for helping teens become safer drivers?

According to the CDC, motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death for teens in the US. This is not just an issue in Alaska; it’s an issue nationwide, and anything we can do to curb this statistic is worth the time and effort. For now, I have three tips I’d like to share.

First, don’t underestimate your ability to positively influence your teen. We all need to make sure that we are modeling good driving behavior. Make sure you aren’t checking your cell phone, texting, eating or fiddling with the radio, especially with teens in the car. According to the Governors Highway Safety Association, adults have adopted a “do as I say, not as I do” attitude surrounding distracted driving. For instance, 67 percent of drivers admit to talking on a cell phone while driving.

Second, we all know cell phones can be the source of distracted driving, but they can also be part of the solution. Parents report using apps such as Life360, FollowMee and License+ to monitor driver behavior such as speeding and cell phone use and to receive alerts when teen drivers arrive at destinations. There are also features such as AT&T’s Drive Mode app and Apple’s Do Not Disturb While Driving that detect when you’re driving and will silence notifications to prevent distractions.

Third, recognize that friends in the car are a distraction, and tell your teen that you expect them to limit their passengers. Research shows that one teen passenger increases a teen driver’s crash risk by 50 percent, a big risk that only increases with more passengers in the car. In Alaska, teens must limit their passengers during their first six months of driving. Make sure you emphasize to your driver that you expect them to follow these guidelines.

Parent expectations and actions will be a driving force behind changes in attitude around distracted driving. Be sure to emphasize the risks of distracted driving with your teen, reinforce the message often through your example and a variety of sources and media. Finally, give them plenty of time to practice before getting their license. You can make a difference.

Marc Luiken is Commissioner for the Alaska Department of Transportation & Public Facilities. Commissioner Luiken and his wife, Suzanne, live in Anchorage and have five children, all of whom have been teen drivers.

With marijuana becoming legalized, the conversation about the effects of marijuana on teens has gotten a lot more complicated. How do we talk to our teens about the effects of marijuana, in light of the changing laws and societal attitudes?

Now that marijuana is legal in Alaska, it’s important for parents to talk with their kids about marijuana early and often. Drug use of any kind can lead to injuries and illness and negatively impact development, performance in school and involvement in family and community activities. Most young people care about what parents say. One of the key reasons young people give for choosing not to use drugs is because they know their parents don’t approve of it. Here are a few talking tips:

References

Prevention of substance use and substance use disorders: The role of risk and protective factors, (2011). Catalano, Richard F., Haggerty, Kevin P., Hawkins, J. David, Elgin, Jenna. In Y. Kaminer & K.C. Winters (Eds.), Clinical manual of adolescent substance abuse treatment (pp 25-63). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Publishing.

Partnership for a Drug-Free Kids: drugfree.org (accessed June 2015).

National Institute on Drug Abuse. Drug Facts: Marijuana; 2012. Available at: drugabuse.gov/publications/marijuana-facts-parentsneed-to-know/letter-to-parents

• Let your kids know that marijuana is still illegal for any­one under 21 years old to possess or use.

• Let them know that marijuana can harm their development. Children’s brains keep developing until their mid-20s, making them more susceptible to the negative effects of any drug use, including marijuana. That’s one of the reasons for having age restrictions.

• Tell them if there is a family history of substance abuse. A family history may increase their risk of developing a substance abuse disorder.

• Ask basic questions about marijuana: “What do you know about marijuana?” “Do you know the ways that marijuana can hurt your health?” Let them ask you questions too.

• Give your child ways to say no to marijuana and other drugs. Play out social situations where your child is offered marijuana and help them find the right words to refuse drug offers. Let them know that it is fine to walk away from someone, including a friend, who is offering drugs.

Conversations about drugs can seem awkward at first, but they build trust and give kids the support they need as they grow up. When talking with youth about marijuana and other drugs, it’s important to know what works. Research shows that lecturing, scare tactics and one-way conversations aren’t effective. What does work is open, positive communication that includes active listening, open-ended questions, objectivity, empathy and honesty. There are lots of helpful resources to guide parents through this process. Here are just a few:

• Alaska Parents’ Guide: Talking with Youth About Marijuana: marijuana.dhss.alaska.gov [Parents & Adults Section]

• Speak Now Colorado: speaknowcolorado.org

• Start Talking Now Washington: starttalkingnow.org/ parents

• Health Effects of Marijuana: drugabuse.gov/ publications/drugfacts/marijuana

Katie Reilly, MPH, is the Program Manager in the State of Alaska’s Department of Health & Social Services Office of Substance Misuse and Addiction Prevention. Katie oversees various programs, including the marijuana misuse and addiction prevention program. Her past experience as an Adolescent Health Program Coordinator has led to her focus on youth substance misuse prevention.

It seems that in every school across the country, kids are being victimized by bullies. As parents of a preteen, we feel at a loss for how to prevent it from happening. What are some ways to help empower our child to respond and stand up to bullies?

This is such an important question and topic, and parents can make a difference by knowing what to look for and by providing a safe and responsive environment at home. Research tells us that children do look to parents and caregivers to help with tough decisions and advice. You can help your child learn to identify, avoid and discourage bullying behaviors.

First, since most kids do not report bullying incidents, it is critical to develop open communication at home. When talking about bullying directly, be sure to listen and support your child’s responses. There are no right or wrong answers, and you want your child to talk with you honestly. To start conversations about bullying, consider questions such as:

  • What does “bullying” mean to you?

  • Describe what kids who bully are like. Why do you think people bully?

  • Do you ever see kids at your school being bullied by other kids? How does it make you feel?

  • Have you ever felt scared to go to school because you were afraid of bullying?

  • What do you usually do when you see bullying going on?

  • Have you or your friends left other kids out on purpose? Do you think that was bullying? Why or why not?

Kids who understand and know what bullying is are better able to identify it. Always encourage your child to talk with a trusted adult if they experience bullying, observe bullying or feel threatened. Let them know that not saying anything could make the situation worse. You can help your child understand there are things he/she can do to prevent and respond to bullying, such as:

  • Look at the bully and tell him/her to “stop” in a calm, clear and confident voice. You can also make a joke or use humor if this is easy for you.

  • If speaking up feels too hard or not safe, walk away and tell an adult immediately.

  • Encourage your child to walk with an adult or an older child if she does not feel safe at school or in the neighborhood.

Remember to keep open communication with your child and trust what they have to say!

To learn more tips and find additional resources visit stopbullying.gov.

Dr. Hattie Harvey is an Assistant Professor in the Department of Teaching and Learning at the University of Alaska Anchorage. She is a licensed psychologist and a Nationally Credentialed School Psychologist and works with parents and educators on promoting social-emotional learning.

My two teenage kids are masters at all things electronics, but sometimes it’s nice to be able to switch off the devices and get connected as a family – like having an old-fashioned family game night. Any suggestions for some board games that would keep teens entertained – and maybe even teach them some important skills?

As important as staying in touch with technology is, it is equally important – if not more so – to take the time to unplug and connect with family. And this is just as true for parents as it is for our children. Family game nights are an excellent opportunity to turn off the screens and tune in to each other. With games that encourage interaction, laughter, and a mix of critical thinking and just plain fun, you and your kids will be looking forward to the next opportunity to play.

Our staff has a number of favorites they like to play. The Steve Jackson Munchkin Game (and its sequels) is a satirical card game that can reduce any role-playing group to hysteria. (And while they are laughing, you can steal their stuff!) It works best with 4-6 players that are ages 10 and up.

Shaboom by Haywire was introduced last year to great hilarity. In this game, you face off against your opponents in a series of challenges to test your speed and agility. Flip it, stack it, spell it, roll it – be first to complete the card challenge and SHABOOM! You win!

Role-playing and strategy games like Catan (formerly Settlers of Catan) and Ticket to Ride take longer to play, typically one to two hours, and are very popular with teens and adults. Catan involves settling the remote isle of Catan using combinations of resources – grain, wool, ore and more – that you acquire through trades or luck to build your cities. Ticket to Ride will take you on a cross-country train adventure to see who can travel to the most cities in seven days. Claim as many railway routes connecting cities as you can while balancing the greed of adding more cards against the fear of losing a route to a competitor.

For a plain, simple, ultra-fast and very silly game, Happy Salmon is our hands-down favorite. It’s loud, raucous, active, and comes in a cute fish pouch. It’s salmon. This is Alaska. What else need we say?

Janet Gregory has owned Over The Rainbow Toys for 23 years and is mom to Abby and Stuart. Visit overtherainbowtoys.com.

Q: My 9th grader, who is very bright and articulate, is totally unmotivated in school, and his report card grades definitely reflect his lack of effort. Any suggestions on how we can help teach him to raise his grades?

There is nothing more frustrating than seeing bright students lose interest in their education. Student engagement is a top priority for educators throughout our state. It’s important to remember that teachers are just as concerned as you are when they see students lose interest in academics, so the first and best thing a parent can do is communicate with their child’s teachers. The factors influencing a student’s interest and motivation from sixth grade through high school only expand and grow more complicated. Aside from the physical changes, peer pressure and social dynamics they face, students are also being challenged with higher expectations as teachers try to prepare them for successful adult lives. Communication can help both parents and educators identify what specific factors might be preventing students from reaching their full potential.

Students and parents are often so overwhelmed with high school life that it is easy to lose focus on the big picture by becoming hyper-focused on short-term concerns. One way to help your child re-engage with his studies is to place them in a larger context of his personal long-term goals; help him connect success in the classroom with what he most looks forward to in his future. As an English teacher, I regularly encourage my students to sit down and write about those future goals. A study by Jordan Peterson, a professor of psychology, recently found a direct correlation between student success rates and writing exercises focused on goal-setting. Students writing about their long-term goals, including the specific steps they need to take to accomplish them, not only gain a larger understanding of their identity, but they find a way to place importance on the short-term steps, even if it is to perform well in a subject they have a low interest in. Just as importantly, it will help you and your son re-energize your enthusiasm for the challenging but exciting years ahead.

James Harris is the 2017 Alaska Teacher of the Year and current Chair of the English department at Soldotna High School.

When I ask my teenage kid why he’s so stressed out, he gives me a long list of offenders (homework, tests, friends, the way he looks, girlfriends, no free time, etc.). Any tips on how I can help my overwhelmed teen cope with stress?

First, both of you take a deep breath and relax. What you are experiencing is a normal part of adolescence as well as being a parent of an adolescent. Everyone experiences stress at some level; we can either allow it to overwhelm us or motivate us. As adults, we have, hopefully, learned to use stress to focus us and reevaluate our priorities. Teens have many of the same feelings as adults but don’t understand the connection between these emotions, physical symptoms and underlying stress that causes them. On a positive note, if your teen is talking to you about these stressors, that is a good thing; it means you have done your job and they are beginning to make decisions for themselves. The most important thing you can do at this age is actively LISTEN. Don’t try to diagnosis or even fix at first. The best way to let them know you care is to restate or rephrase what they just said in your own words. Then ask them is that what they meant.

The stressors of today’s youth are magnified with the technology age. They are instantly provided with information through numerous media and technological devices. It was unheard of just a few years ago for an elementary student to be using a cell phone, let alone a smart phone. Although as parents we do the best we can to manage our children’s access, you must admit they are more familiar with these devices than we are, at least most of us.

Here are a few tips and resources:

  • Help your child list out on paper/journal those things they are worried about, and then help them to prioritize them.

  • Identify your child’s coping skills, such as reading, listening to music, exercising, etc.

  • Avoid negativity. Let them know that what they are experiencing is normal. It’s a good time to possibly share one of your stressful times as a teenager. Make it a humorous memory.

  • Set aside time for healthy eating, proper sleep, and, most of all, some form of exercise.

  • Learn to let some things go. As a parent, you have to give them permission to prioritize.

  • Help someone else by “Paying it Forward” through community service. There is no better way to help ourselves than by helping others.

Finally, a couple of great websites to visit: American Academy of Pediatrics, aap.org; payitforwardday.com. And an excellent one-stop book resource for parents is “Building Resilience in Children and Teens,” by Kenneth R. Ginsburg, MD, FAAP.

Dan Pinkerton, MS Ed, LPC, NCC, is a middle school counselor with the Anchorage School District, and also the owner of Pinkerton Counseling Service. He’s been working with teenagers and families for nearly 35 years in multiple arenas – police officer, pastor, state trooper chaplain, school counselor, and private practice.

I’ve noticed lately that my 16-year-old daughter is fixated on weight, and I’m worried. She sees herself as fat when she’s not – and seems to measure her self-worth by her weight. So what’s the difference between normal behavior and behavior that might indicate an eating disorder?

This is such an important question. It may be a great time to have a conversation with your daughter. Teens look to parents first for modeling behavior and advice. Try to reflect positively about your own body image around your child and model healthy eating, hydration, and physical activity behaviors. Doing activities together – like cooking, eating and being active for 60 minutes a day – can lend more time for discussions about body image, health and determining if there are warning signs of a serious eating disorder. Anyone with signs of an eating disorder, such as losing excessive weight, eating a very limited diet, binge eating, vomiting or taking laxatives after meals, excessive exercising or extreme meal planning should seek treatment promptly. Serious health problems related to weight loss or malnutrition can result from these behaviors. The challenge is that eating disorders are often paired with other social, emotional and behavioral health issues leading parents to often delay seeking diagnosis and treatment. For more on diagnosis and treatment, please visit the following link for an online assessment: eatingdisorder.org/eating-disorder-information/online-self-assessment.

Try these questions with your teen; find time to chat with them privately and listen without judgment.

• What are three things you like about your body (not just the way it looks)?

• Name three things you like about yourself that have nothing to do with what you look like.

• In what ways do you take care of your body and keep it healthy?

• What do you think makes a girl or woman (boy or man) beautiful?

• Do you feel strong, healthy, and beautiful?

• Do you eat when you are not hungry? Why or Why not?

• When do you feel most proud of yourself?

• What is your favorite meal? Why?

• What are you the most afraid of?

• And if there is a behavior or major body change that you notice, consider saying, “I notice…[include point you observed: weighing yourself, going to the gym too frequently, not eating dinner with family, etc.], are you [is your friend] struggling with [your body image, weight, an eating disorder]?

Body Image and Eating Disorder Resources

For Parents

• Parent Toolkit for Eating Disorders: nationaleatingdisorders.org/sites/default/files/toolkits/ParentToolkit.pdf

• Work on self-esteem and body image: youngwomenshealth.org/2012/05/30/self-esteem/

• Teaching body image: theguardian.com/teacher-network/2016/jun/20/how-to-teach-body-image

• Emphasize the importance of nutrition and fueling the body to perform the way you want and need: iknowmine.org/for-youth/nutrition

• Eating disorders: mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/tween-and-teen-health/in-depth/teen-eating-disorders/art-20044635

• Eating disorder fact sheets: nedc.com.au/fact-sheets

For Teens

• Milo, a movie about a boy with a skin condition and how he learns to understand and own his body image: filmclub.org/film/17731/milo

• Body image: plannedparenthood.org/learn/body-image

• Body confidence, Ashley Graham: youtube.com/watch?v=xAgawjzimjc

• Learn to love yourself: beinggirl.com/article/learn-to-love-what-you-see-in-the-mirror/

• Not all athletes have the perfect BMI: npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/02/04/465569465/if-bmi-is-the-test-of-health-many-pro-athletes-would-flunk

• Air brushing-media; what you see is often not reality: youtube.com/watch?v=BUuMifPn8pg; youtube.com/watch?v=-_I17cK1ltY; youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U; youtube.com/watch?v=SCxjUrNbIkI

• Healthy Teen Project: Do you have an eating disorder? healthyteenproject.com/adolescent-eating-disorders-ca

Jenny Baker is the Adolescent Health Program Coordinator with the state’s Division of Public Health. She collaborates with Alaska communities and nationally on strengthening positive youth engagement opportunities and institutionalizing best practices of quality youth development within state and community programs.

My teenage son, a first-time job hunter, says he keeps applying for jobs, but he never hears back from anybody. How can he get an employer to take notice?

The job market is considerably more difficult for first-time teenage job searchers than in years past. Online applications may instantly disqualify an applicant based on the answers provided, and jobs that years ago could hire a teenager are no longer able to do so due to changes in state and federal laws. For these reasons, youth often need the direct assistance of a parent or other responsible adult in order to navigate the challenges of landing that first job. The first step is to identify jobs that actually hire youth under 18. Many youth are applying for jobs that they have no chance of getting because of their age. The Department of Labor has a brochure that identifies many employers that hire youth. Secondly, young job seekers need to be taught how to present themselves to an employer in not only appearance but also through verbal and written communication. They need to be aware of their own strengths and transferable skills and how to provide that information to an employer through the application or in person. Cover letters and resumes are a good way to put this all on paper and get the job seeker more comfortable with the concept. And yes, teenagers can create a resume even though they have never held a job. By focusing on personal skills, volunteer-related work, after-school activities, personal interests and so on, they can create a holistic picture of themselves to a potential employer. Thirdly, it’s important for young job seekers to follow up with the business applied to; this follow-up is often the difference between receiving an offer and getting rejected, especially if they have been appropriately prepared on how to interact with a potential employer. Most importantly, they need to realize that getting a job takes a lot of work in itself, and they need to keep at it. If properly prepared and motivated, it will turn out successfully.

Roger Hamacher is a lifelong Alaskan who has worked with at-risk youth for over 25 years. He is the Youth Employment Services Director at Nine Star Education and Employment Services helping youth get a job, keep a job and advance on the job. He also really likes cats. ninestar.com

My 15-year-old says he wants to start drinking coffee to help increase his alertness in school and enhance his athletic performance. Should I be concerned about coffee consumption at his age?

Major medical groups, such as the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and the American College of Sports Medicine (ACSM), discourage caffeine intake in children and adolescents.1,2 Caffeine is a stimulant found naturally in coffee and tea, and is added to products, such as soda, energy drinks and dietary supplements. There is very little research on the effects of caffeine in children and teens and no acceptable level of caffeine intake has been established for these age groups. Negative effects of caffeine can range from nausea, jitteriness, and nervousness to high blood pressure and rapid and irregular heartbeat. According to the AAP, energy drinks, which can contain large amounts of caffeine, have been linked to several deaths.

While caffeine is commonly believed to increase alertness, it may be actually contributing to the very problem it is trying to fix. Caffeine can disrupt sleep patterns, which can lead to a cycle of increasing caffeine intake to stay awake during the day, causing more difficulties sleeping at night. Caffeine may also act as a diuretic, which could lead to mild dehydration. Feeling tired and drowsy are symptoms of dehydration.

The ACSM states that caffeine is not appropriate for the average, active teenager. Caffeine has been shown to improve physical performance in certain activities in well-trained adult athletes, but the effects of caffeine in young athletes are not well studied. The negative side effects of caffeine, like anxiety and lightheadedness, could actually hurt their athletic performance. The ACSM is concerned that young athletes using caffeine to improve their performance may develop a “doping mentality” that leads to more serious abuse.

Caffeinated drinks often have very little nutritional value and can be loaded with sugar. Some coffee drinks look more like milkshakes with large amounts of sugar and unhealthy fat with whip cream on top. These beverages may be replacing healthier foods in the diet and the extra calories could lead to excess weight gain. The recommendations for both increasing alertness and improving physical performance in children and teens are similar: physical activity, with proper training for the young athlete; a healthy diet that provides the body’s need for energy and other nutrients; plain water for hydration; and adequate rest and sleep.

Diane Peck, MPH, RDN is a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist with the Alaska Department of Health and Social Services, Obesity Prevention and Control Program. She is currently working with child care providers to encourage healthy eating and physical activity to prevent childhood obesity. dhss.alaska.gov/dph/chronic/pages/obesity/default.aspx

References:
1 American Academy of Pediatrics. Committee on Nutrition and the Council on Sports Medicine and Fitness. Sports Drinks and Energy Drinks for Children and Adolescents: Are They Appropriate? Pediatrics (2011); DOI: 10.1542/peds. 2011-0965. Available at pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/127/6/1182;
2 American College of Sports Medicine. Caffeine and Exercise Performance. ACSM Current Comment. Available at acsm.org/public-information/brochures-fact-sheets/fact-sheets.

My son tells me that vaping is the new, popular thing with teenagers and that it’s a safe alternative to smoking. What do I need to know?

The only known safe alternative to smoking is not smoking and not using tobacco products, whatever their form. The vapor of e-cigarettes has been found to contain a number of harmful substances including formaldehyde, lead and acetone, though at lower levels than present in conventional cigarettes. E-cigarettes are designed to deliver nicotine, an addictive and powerful substance that acts in the brain and throughout the body. As a result, e-cigarettes or vaping can lead to an increased dependence on nicotine. New data show that e-cigarettes have the potential for getting young users addicted to nicotine, leading to an increase in their uptake and use of conventional cigarettes. E-cigarettes can also be used to deliver substances other than nicotine, including marijuana extracts and synthetic cannabinoids (“spice”).

Parents can promote their children’s health and development by modeling healthy behaviors. Through conversations about health and family expectations, parents can nourish their children’s growing brains, bodies and lives, and help give them the tools to make the healthiest choices and be healthy adults.

Dr. Jay Butler is the Chief Medical Officer and the Director of the Division of Public Health for the State of Alaska. For more information, visit tobaccofree.alaska.gov.

I want to motivate my 14-year-old to start exercising, but I’m having a hard time. He claims to hate working out. How can I get him away from the screens and, even more than that, enjoy being physically active?

Great question! Very relevant in this day and age where video games and other tech gadgets are increasingly luring kids off their feet and onto the couch.

Your child’s health is too important not to establish the expectation that he be physically active daily. In my opinion, this standard should not be up for negotiation. Of course parents of a teenager know the challenge of balancing firm limit setting with getting buy-in.

A few ideas to consider:

1. Educate him on the benefits of being physically active and on the potential negative impacts of not being active. At his age, he should be armed with this information. And he will be more likely to make good health decisions when given some rationale.

2. Establish limits on screen time and use screen time as a reward for being physically active. This might not make you popular in the moment, but teenagers should be instilled with the idea that physical activity is a priority, just as are other things like completing homework.

3. Exercise should be fun. If your teen does not self-identify as a team-sport kind of person, then don’t force him into joining the soccer team or some environment that might compound negative feelings toward physical activity. Give him as much latitude as possible to do something that interests him. An adolescent is far more likely to build lasting habits around something he enjoys.

4. Participate with him. Exercise is important to all of us. What if the family keeps activity logs and if everyone reaches a goal each month, the whole family celebrates with something they all enjoy? Mentorship is a powerful form of support and motivation.

Harlow Robinson is the executive director of Healthy Futures. He also worked for many years in a program for children and adolescents with emotional and behavioral problems. He lives in Anchorage with his wife and two sons, who he is constantly trying to motivate to put down their video games and get outside! For more information, visit healthyfuturesak.org.

I don’t like to think about it, but I know the truth is that many teens try alcohol during their high school and college years, long before it’s legal for them to drink it. What can we parents do to help our teens make smart decisions and ‘just say no’ to using and abusing alcohol?

Hands down parents have the most influence on whether or not their children drink alcohol – even more than friends, siblings, teachers, media or other influences. This is good news for parents, because it puts us in a good position to help our children avoid alcohol use. It is important to develop a relationship of trust, respect and open communication with your children. If they feel comfortable talking to you about what’s happening in their lives, you’re more able to help them make healthy decisions.

The best approach to talking about alcohol is to be conversational and give your children your full attention. This is not a situation that requires lecturing; in fact, you can start by asking them what they think about alcohol and drinking. Listen to what they say without interrupting; this will make them feel heard and respected. During the conversation, avoid exaggerating the dangers of alcohol or using scare tactics, because that doesn’t work. Young people can see that lots of people use alcohol without experiencing any problems. So it is important to be educated on the topic and stick to what you know.

Here are a few of the basics:

• Be clear about your expectations that your child will avoid alcohol. They care about your attitudes and values.

• Drinking is illegal for people under 21. There can be legal consequences for underage drinking. Even if not caught, there can be other consequences in relationships with family and friends, health and wellbeing.

• Alcohol is a powerful drug that impacts the body and mind. It can lead to accidents, injury or other high-risk behaviors.

• Alcohol affects young people differently from adults. Because the teen brain is still developing, alcohol may have long-lasting harmful effects and can increase the likelihood of dependence later in life.

• People tend to be bad at judging how seriously alcohol has affected them. Sometimes people think they can do things like safely drive a car after drinking, but they cannot.

Anyone can develop a serious problem with alcohol, even teens. And the likelihood of developing problems is increased if there is family history of substance abuse.

Lastly, I think one of the most important things is that we, as parents, role model healthy attitudes and behaviors when it comes to alcohol. Our children are paying attention, so we should show them what it means to use alcohol responsibly and safely, if we choose to drink.

Sara Clark is the program coordinator for the state’s Division of Behavioral Health, Prevention & Early Intervention Section. Prior to this position, Sara worked in youth treatment and community prevention agencies for more than eight years. For information, visit dhss.alaska.gov/dbh/pages/prevention/default.aspx.

How do I help my teenager stay safe online and act responsible on social networks?

In the world of online safety and teenagers there are no easy answers, nor is there an “App for that” which will magically make your family safe on the Internet. The real answers for true online safety are not unlike how parents work to keep their kids safe in the real world. You have to work to create a place where everyone in the family knows what is expected of them and what the consequences are for violating the family rules. This applies to both online activities as well as living in “the real world.” Rules such as specific times when your kids are allowed to be on the Internet should be consistent, just as family rules for curfew should be clear and easy to interpret. Knowing who your teens’ online friends are is just as important as knowing who they are hanging out with in real life.å

Having discussions about what your expectations are with your teens will help set the stage for them to make good decisions, even when you are not around. Talking about how words and images online can affect them now and in the future is an important topic of discussion. Colleges and businesses now routinely comb online pages of applicants and what they see will affect whether or not the teen gets into a college or receives a job offer.

One of the easiest and simplest online rules for parents and students alike comes from Josh Ochs, an online marketing expert, who teaches a simple, but powerful, rule. Whenever you are about to put something – anything – on the Internet always ask yourself first: Is it “Light, Bright and Polite?” If not, don’t post it.

Glen Klinkhart has more than 20 years of public safety, computer and investigative experience, including 17 years as a police officer, a computer crime investigator and a homicide detective for the Anchorage Police Department. For information, visit glenklinkhart.com.

When my teenage daughter misbehaves, I can’t just put her in a time-out like I did when she was little. And if I yell “you’re grounded,” she just sits around stewing and probably isn’t learning the intended lesson. So what is the best approach to disciplining teens for bad behavior?

As kids develop into teenagers, they also develop their own values that aren’t always identical to their parents. Typically, that’s where the conflict originates. So what you consider “bad behavior” may not be considered “bad” to them. As they get older it’s important to realize they harness an improved ability for rational thought and discussion. Instead of a “timeout,” request a “sit down” to talk. One trick is to allow them to talk first and explain what happened. To your amazement they may know exactly what they did wrong and also offer a reasonable resolution. If they already know, DON’T LECTURE THEM MORE, that doesn’t work. If the solution they offer sounds good to you, then go with it and say “let’s try that.” No punishment or grounding needed.

There are behaviors, however, where you will tell them what the consequence is without discussion. For example, let’s say your child is caught vandalizing property. No need to yell at them and no need to lose your cool, but stay calm and talk with them respectfully. The consequence should have something directly related to the behavior, if possible, and allow them to try to make things right. In this situation, they might need to help clean up what they vandalized. This may be all the consequence that is needed to change their behavior. No grounding needed. If they refuse to do this, then grounding works by restricting all privileges such as cell phones or screen time on computers or other devices or going out with friends. The amount of time for these restrictions depends on the behavior, but typically it’s best to keep the restrictions to no more than one week. You have to give them hope of getting back on track. Having consequences that last too long can put a teenager in despair, which will actually work against the desired outcome of changing behavior. They may test your will, but you need to remind them that you are in charge and will follow through on what you say. If you don’t follow through, they will take advantage of this in the future. One more thing: It’s important to remember that “good kids” sometimes do “bad things.” It doesn’t mean that they are a bad person! Communicate that we all make mistakes; it’s what we do about our mistakes that matter.

Eric Unruh is a licensed clinical social worker with nearly 20 years experience working with children and families. He is the owner and clinical director of Peak Counseling, an outpatient mental health office in Eagle River. For more information, visit peakcounseling.com.

Many teens get pimples that are handled with over-the-counter treatments. But what is the difference between mild teen acne and something more serious that would benefit from a dermatologist’s help?

If teens are getting permanent scarring, I definitely recommend a visit to a dermatologist. By permanent scarring I mean depressions in the skin or ice-pick like scars. Pimples often leave brown, purple or red discoloration after resolution, but I worry less about this since the discoloration eventually fades over the course of several months. We have very effective treatments that can put a halt to scarring that these teens would have for the rest of their lives.

I also recommend seeing a dermatologist if over-the-counter treatments have been tried without satisfactory control. Acne can have a big impact on self-image. Some teenagers don’t want to go to school or social events because of their acne. Often they are embarrassed and hesitant to seek care. Frequently, I’ll be seeing a teenager in the clinic for another reason such as a mole and will notice that he or she has acne. When I ask if the acne is bothersome or if they would like to try prescription treatments, about nine times out of 10 they will say “yes.” There are effective prescription treatments that can help teens get acne under control, prevent scarring and improve self-esteem.

Dr. Gina Brown, MD, is a board-certified dermatologist and pediatrician at the Alaska Center for Dermatology with specialized training in the diagnosis and management of pediatric skin conditions.

For more information, visit dermalaska.com.

It’s hard to get more than two words out of my teen. Do you have any conversation strategies to help me communicate with my son?

Getting more than two words out of your teen may seem like the metaphorical tough nut to crack. Shared interests may diverge as teens become more occupied with peers and activities outside of home. Developmentally, teens begin to forge their own identities as they start exploring the world around them. Boys may be more difficult to connect with due to their type of communication style and using fewer words than females. However, not all is lost. From my experience I have narrowed down three keys to making communication easier with adolescent boys.

First is making opportunities to enter your child’s world. Throughout your child’s life you have been their world but now as they enter adolescence, their world is changing. Take time to find out what your son is interested in and what activities he enjoys. I think the mistake some parents make is expecting our teens to continue to enter our world for connection and we don’t take the time to learn about theirs. Take the time to listen to what they are interested in without criticism or teaching. Teens may quit sharing if what they tell you becomes a lesson on how they need to make better choices.

Secondly, when possible, make statements rather than ask questions. A common complaint with parents is that they will ask their child how their day was and receive the response “okay.” When we ask a question we are asking the child to move from their emotional center of their brain to a cognitive center. This means that they are attempting to put words to an emotion and that feeling may be difficult to explain. However, when we respond with an empathic statement, “You look tired,” you are allowing them to communicate from an emotional level. You may find they are better capable of responding with a longer response than “fine” or “okay.”

Finally, boys tend to be more tactile and engage in more physical activities. It may be unnatural for your teen to sit quietly and engage in a long discourse with you. However, if your teen has something to do with his hands during your time with him, you may find that he will open up and begin communicating with you more easily. Passing a ball back and forth, playing the guitar, working on a vehicle together or simply squeezing a stress relief ball are a few examples of tactile activities that may open up conversation. As a side note, since boys may be more tactile and may not engage verbally in communication as much as girls, you may see their communication occur more nonverbally. A hug, high five or punch on the arm may be their way of communicating “I love you.”

Noah Shields, LMFT, LPC, RPT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, licensed professional counselor and registered play therapist. Through his private practice in Soldotna, he specializes in working with couples and families. For information about Noah, visit ffrcalaska.org.